“That’s not how
friendships work,” she said. It wasn’t the most profound thing I’d learned from
her. And it was only the second most moving thing I’d heard her say. But in
King Solomon’s words, as an apple of gold in a setting of silver, it was a word
fitly spoken. Right time. Right place. And the right person to hear it from.
In considering sympathy,
compassion, and even empathy, I’ve been describing attitudes and actions that
allow me to maintain my superior position in a relationship. That’s not
necessarily the case with everyone who expresses sympathy, acts
compassionately, or elicits empathy. In fact, I remind myself and others regularly
that we are merely conduits between God’s resources (even if we’ve stored some
“our” accounts) and the needs we see around us.
What I practice about
that preaching, however, can be very different. I like being liked. I like
being proof of the claim that “generosity never costs us anything.” I like
seeing gratitude and, even in its absence, the effects in others’ lives of
needs alleviated, dysfunctions fixed, and relationships reconciled.
But my friend said no.
At issue was a charge
account balance with a local merchant. She wanted to keep the account open, not
quite paying it off. There were the usual difficulties of opening it in the
first place, and so long as there was a balance, she could avoid reopening
another when she inevitably needed them to extend her credit again. That made
sense to me. But because there would be no doubt about who would have made a
payment to the account, I confessed my intentions and asked how much of a
balance I should leave.
That’s how I found out
that we were friends. Not mentor and protégé. Not benefactor and reclamation
project. Not conduit of God’s resources and recipient of His generosity through
me. Friends.
Solidarity in Christ: Not optional. No volunteers need apply. |
Which brings me to the
fourth level of unity within diversity: Solidarity. I’ve previously defined
Sympathy as “to feel for others,”
only briefly and verbally expressing our identification with their
circumstances before returning to our own personal concerns. The second level,
Compassion, is “to feel toward
others,” engaging their experience, but still in a brief, limited manner, but
with some tangible action toward their needs. Empathy, “to feel with others” requires some similar
experience, and is best elicited from
another, rather than proactively shared in hopes of assuring them that “I know
how you feel.” (This is not a sentence you should ever utter.)
Solidarity involves a
decision “to feel as others,” not as
an exercise in imagining their circumstances, but by choosing to experience
their circumstances alongside them. It is rarely expressed, largely because we
lack the time and resources, but also because we cannot be in two places, or in
solidarity with all groups and individuals simultaneously. Therefore, in
response to this quandary, we choose to engage at other, lesser levels (if at
all).
Toward solidarity,
specifically across racial and other divisions, John M. Perkins famously
advises three R’s: Reconciliation, Redistribution, and Relocation. I agree with
all three. But I also recognize that if I relocate to one community, I am not
only leaving another, but choosing not to relocate into other communities. Our uniquely individual calling may not entirely
impinge upon our efforts to be “all things to all people.” But it does prevent
us from being with all people all the
time.
"I'll come over. But only to take someone back with me." |
Still, we often excuse
ourselves from solidarity that might require relocation. For me, that would
have prevented me from enjoying life in The Book Cliffs of central eastern Utah; the logging and ranching communities in The Scott
Valley of Northern California; the Front Range communities in Colorado; and now, the wide range of
challenges and celebrations experienced by the people of The Intermountain
Area. What would my life have been like if I had remained where I was
comfortable, where my career track was more secure, and where the
creature-comforts that I still miss on occasion were far more accessible? (Add
to that the futility of searching elsewhere for some of them. The Symphony, Opera,
and Ballet occasionally take road-trips, even to Redding, California.
But there are only two other places on the planet that compare to San Francisco Bay when it comes to sailboat racing!)
I don’t know what life
would have been like had I remained on that conveniently familiar path. But I can recount the significant costs of
choosing solidarity with a persecuted minority within an already oppressed and
exploited community. I have experienced the awkward mixture of shame and
gratitude that comes in receiving a food box from the rescue mission. I know
the similarly conflicted feelings of facing creditors’ calls, repossession,
bankruptcy and impending homelessness in addition to losing a child because we
weren’t “the right kind of people” to receive health care in the community we
chose to serve.
You don' t like your comrades? Consider the alternatives. |
And yet I witness the
inexpressible joy of overcoming seemingly insurmountable obstacles in order to
progress from homelessness to houseguest to high-school graduate (well, GED,
but I think that counts) to holding down a job while training for what might be
a life-long career in healthcare, all while raising a beautiful child (who does let me buy them things…or at least
doesn’t scold me afterward).
Solidarity means
entering into a mutual and equitable relationship. There may be times when my
supply may complement another’s lack. But then there are the times when it is
my lack that needs supplied by the careful admonition of a friend.
No comments:
Post a Comment